


with all your hearts, listen, look

by eynn



Series: i can't go back and lose it all [16]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Fix-It, Gen, Nobody Dies, Post-Order 66, and also makes friends with feral, barriss makes sense of life after killing sidious, sith!jedi order, the temple jetii and the refugee jetii finally touch bases too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:42:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23591017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eynn/pseuds/eynn
Summary: Two weeks go by, and they are still alone in the Temple with the barrier up and the clones the only people allowed in. Then late one night the perimeter alarm goes off and they all scramble for their battle stations. Night and day still don’t make much difference to them after so long in space on the front lines and then under sedation, so most of them are awake already.They know they’re being a little paranoid, that Bail Organa and the new interim Chancellor Chuchi aren’t plotting their deaths like Sidious was, but old habits and new scars are hard to ignore.Barriss stands in an alcove, Feral at her back. He’s calm and steady; his hands are holding his sniper rifle in a deceptively loose grip. Her own heart is racing and her lightsaber hilt feels too heavy and cold in her hand.She hasn’t ignited it since she used it to take off Sidious’ head.
Relationships: Barriss Offee & Feral
Series: i can't go back and lose it all [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1658362
Comments: 22
Kudos: 757





	with all your hearts, listen, look

When she comes to, Barriss is only aware of movement around her and wind in her face. Her arms hurt.

She cracks open an eye to see the well-known fabric of her mother’s robes in front of her. Luminara is cradling her on her lap, and Gree is sitting pressed up against her. Barriss’ legs are draped over him. On his other side is Ponds.

They’re in a speeder that she recognizes as one belonging to the clone barracks. Mace is in the front seat along with the driver.

Barriss tries to shift a little and turn her head to look at her arms. Luminara instantly straightens up from leaning her head on Gree’s shoulder.

“Barriss?”  
“Mmm,” she says. Her head doesn’t exactly hurt, but it feels heavy and strange.

Luminara slips a hand under her chin and turns her face up to her own. Whatever she sees must reassure her, because she relaxes again and holds her a little tighter. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Sidious dead?”

“Yes, he is.”

Gree smiles at her and squeezes her knee.

“Everyone all right?”

A shadow crosses Luminara’s eyes, but she nods. “They will be.”

Barriss closes her eyes again and buries her face into her mentor’s robes. “Good.”

Getting out of the speeder when they finally arrive at the Temple is another matter entirely. She’s so tired, and her arms are burning despite Luminara and Mace’s best efforts to soothe them.

Gree gets out after Ponds and picks her up from Luminara’s lap. Barriss squeaks in surprise and then goes with it, clutching at the front of his armor. When Luminara gets out, she stumbles slightly, and then stands at Gree’s side. Barriss feels her slip her hands around his elbow behind her head, and she tries to twist around.

Luminara clicks her tongue and then gives Barriss one of her hands to hold. She feels a little embarrassed, but touching her is helping her ground herself.

Feral pops up from somewhere on the other side of Gree, looking at her with worry in his golden eyes. She blinks dazedly at him and smiles.

They start walking. Somewhere along the way, Feral ends up hanging off Gree as well and Barriss giggles into his neck. The image of Jedi as cats lying in the sun in a patch of catnip that is Gree won’t leave her head.

Ahead of her, Mace is carrying Obi-Wan, who still hasn’t woken up. Most of the rest of everyone is trailing behind them; she can see them over Gree’s shoulder.

Suddenly Aayla and Plo are there. Plo gently adds a little to the Force healing that Luminara and Mace have already tried on her arms and then moves on to help Kit and Saesee. Aayla stays longer, but Barriss’ eyes are heavy and she can’t keep them open long enough to find out what’s happening.

~

She wakes up in the Temple infirmary, lying on her back, with all her clothes but her under-robes off. Aayla is smoothing something cool and thick over her arms. It feels nice, but the motions pull at her sensitive skin.

Barriss squeaks.

Aayla stops moving for a moment. “Oh, Barriss, are you awake? I’m sorry, I’m almost done. Hold still now, it won’t hurt for long once I can get you fixed up.”

She watches Aayla’s face as she finishes tending the burns on her arms and starts wrapping them in bacta-soaked bandages. Aayla looks tired, and there is blood on her sleeves and down her front. Barriss surreptitiously looks at herself. She doesn’t seem to be bleeding.

“Why are you hurt?” she asks.

“Hmm? Oh! That’s not my blood,” Aayla answers distractedly.

“What?”

She sighs. “Shaak is hurt pretty badly. I was the first to try to help her, and I haven’t had time to change. I have washed my hands, I promise.”

“Glad you’re not hurt,” Barriss mumbles. “Is Shaak going to be okay?”

Aayla’s hands freeze for a moment, and when they resume, they’re not quite as steady. “I don’t know, Barriss. We’re all doing all we can to keep her with us, but . . .”

Barriss nods weakly. “How is everyone else?”

“Kit will be fine, the clones stopped him from bleeding out on the way here and he should recover. Saesee wasn’t hit hard enough to affect him much. Obi-Wan just has his arm, but that’s not too serious compared to Kit and Shaak.” Aayla ties off the bandages on her left arm and starts on her right. She smiles at Barriss, tired but calm. “Compared to what could have happened, we all got lucky. I heard you were the one to deliver the final blow to Sidious. Good job.”

Barriss frowns. “He said he had Ahsoka,” she says. “He didn’t say where.”

“We’ll all be looking for her as soon as we can,” Aayla promises, and finishes up her right arm in silence.

She can sit up without her head spinning by the time the bandages are on, and Aayla helps her put her outer robe on again.

“Your Dathomiri friend is waiting outside the door for you.”

“What?”

Aayla opens the door to the little consulting room they are in and Feral pokes his head shyly around the corner. He smiles when he sees her sitting up, and Barriss feels herself involuntarily smile back.

“I have to go help the others, but Feral can walk you to Luminara or to your quarters if you want to sleep,” Aayla says, already going out the door. “Please don’t take off those bandages until at least tonight.”

Then she is gone.

Feral awkwardly half-lifts her to her feet; even though she doesn’t feel the overwhelming urge to sleep anymore, her legs are still clumsy and uncoordinated and sluggish. It’s the worst post-battle adrenaline slump she’s ever had.

He blushes when her head collides with his chest, and they lean away from each other a little before Barriss wobbles again and abandons her dignity to cling to his arm. He responds by sliding it around her waist, making it easier for her to walk without jarring her arms.

“That was a really cool thing you did to Sidious,” he says as they walk towards the main hall of the infirmary.

“I – thanks?”

“No, really. I don’t think he was expecting anyone to just tackle him like that. You saved all of us.”

Barriss can feel her face heating up. “I just panicked,” she admits.

He shrugs, and the movement jostles her even closer to him. He’s warm and surprisingly gentle for a Dathomiri. Then again, the only one she knows is Ventress, and the only other one she knows of is Darth Maul. “It worked, though.”

“He didn’t tell us where Ahsoka was.”

“Who is Ahsoka?”

She looks up at him and senses the genuine interest in his question. “She’s – she was – Anakin’s padawan. Skywalker. She’s the same age as me, we were in the creche together and we were good friends, but Sidious got into our heads and made us forget. We met again during the war and – anyway. She’s Togruta, probably about the same height as you, uses two lightsabers. She got expelled from the Temple because the Senate pinned the bombing here on her. I don’t suppose you’ve seen her anywhere?”

Feral shakes his head. “We haven’t met any Togruta for a long time, except for Master Ti.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Why did Sidious make you forget each other?”

It’s Barriss’ turn to shrug. “I don’t think he did it to us specifically, I think he was just trying to make us distrust each other so we’d be easier to bring down, and to distract us from finding him.” She thinks for a few steps. “I think we were more susceptible to it because we were young and never knew a time when he wasn’t clouding the Force.”

“Until now,” he adds. “Because you saved us.”

“You did too,” she argues. “You shot him. If you hadn’t, I don’t think I’d have been able to hang on.”

“Where do you want to go?” he asks, changing the subject.

“To find Luminara, please,” she says. If she goes back to her quarters she will just be too stressed to sit still. She doesn’t want to be alone.

Feral steers her into the infirmary hall. Luminara is sitting at a small table someone has dragged in, poking at a datapad. When she turns her head and sees Barriss, her face lights up and she springs to her feet.

“Oh, Barriss,” Luminara says, and snatches her up in a hug.

Barriss holds on to her mentor and lets herself go limp, listening to her heartbeat and soaking in her warmth.

Dimly she registers that Feral has left, and part of her wants to call him back, but soon he returns with Savage in tow. Savage is shirtless and bandaged up, but he looks steadier than any of them.

“Savage can stay here to get you things or go for help,” Feral announces. “You really should sit down, Master Unduli, you look exhausted.”

Barriss finds herself gently deposited in the second chair at the table before Luminara sinks down into her own chair, giving Feral a reluctant smile.

“Thank you for your help, Feral. Are you sure you want to stay, Savage? We can manage –”

Savage shakes his head and takes a blanket that Feral hands him, then sits down under the table at their feet and wraps himself in it, settling back with every sign of contentment.

“He isn’t hurt badly, but I’m going to be busy helping Master Yoda with Master Ti and Maul is occupied with Asajj because she’s hurt too and I don’t think it’s a good idea for any of us to be alone right now,” Feral babbles, and then looks embarrassed. “If you don’t mind.”

“No, it’s very thoughtful of both of you,” Luminara says, and then yawns. “Oh, excuse me.”

Feral drapes a second blanket over Luminara’s shoulders after holding it out and getting a nod, and she sighs as he smooths it down. “I did study healing while my brothers were learning to fight,” he says diffidently. “You need to relax and try to sleep, Master Unduli. Savage can watch over Barriss – uh, Knight Offee and everyone here. He knows when to go for help.”

Under the table, Savage makes an affirmative sound.

“Please call me Luminara, both of you,” she says. “And thank you again.”

Barriss makes herself comfortable in the chair. She isn’t tired enough to relax, but Luminara is asleep in minutes under the blanket and with her head on a pillow Savage passes up to her.

~

She wakes up much, much later, after ending up breaking down in Aayla’s arms as Mace treats Shmi’s wounds from fighting the Sith who had tried to break into the Temple and then later crying herself softly to sleep on Shmi’s lap. She has a blurry memory of someone picking her up and moving her, but she doesn’t know who it was.

She yawns and wiggles a little. She’s snuggled up in Gree’s arms, her head tucked under his chin. Luminara is on his other side, along his back, and one of her hands rests on Barriss’ back. The other is a pillow for Gree’s head and Barriss can see it curled into the collar of his shirt just under her cheek.

There’s a warm weight along her own back, but she doesn’t know who it is. She can see Yoda sleeping on Dooku’s chest, and a lump of blankets that is probably Ventress judging from the leg that is sticking out beside him. Savage and Maul are beside her and have made a nest with their blankets instead of sleeping under them. Echo and Fives are piled perpendicular to Barriss’ feet and she thinks that Fives is probably going to have a sore neck if he doesn’t straighten up soon.

She can hear and sense so many calm, sleepy Force presences around her, and it makes her feel safe in a way she has not felt since leaving the creche.

Barriss worms her way out of Gree’s arms to stretch, feeling her arms ache but not burn like they had before. Then she bumps into the person in back of her and startles a little as they mumble something. She rolls over completely and comes nose to nose with Feral, who blinks at her, startled.

“Oh,” he whispers. “Sorry.”

She blinks at him in turn. “You didn’t wake me up,” she answers quietly, and smiles involuntarily at the way he is all wrapped up in his blanket. “How did we end up here?”

“The clones brought in all the mattresses and sort of just dragged their officers into the huddle,” he answers. “And Master Yoda insisted we stay as well.”

“Oh, I’m glad.”

“I can move if you like,” he offers.

“Why would you?”

“Well –” he hesitates. “My brothers are over there. I really should be with them, I was just –”

“Just what?”

“Uh, I was worried about you,” he says in a rush, closing his eyes. “You’re hurt and I thought if I was closer I could tell if something happened while you were sleeping.”

Barriss relaxes back into the mattress. She realizes now why it’s so comforting even though it’s thin; it smells like the clone barracks, like the nights she spent bunking with one of her boys or with Gree when it was all too much and she couldn’t take the solitude of her own tiny cabin anymore.

“Thank you,” she says, touched. “That was really thoughtful.”

 _If only I could see Ahsoka’s montrals over the top of his head, and have her shush us before we go back to sleep, this would be perfect, this is how it should be,_ she thinks, and then wonders where that had come from.

She reaches out tentatively and lays her hand over his, which are curled into loose fists by his chest, just outside of his blanket. He stares at her, eyes wide, but shows no sign of discomfort or dislike. “I like you,” she whispers. “Can we be friends?”

He slowly turns his hand over so that their fingers lie on each other, not intertwining, but touching tip to tip. “I like you too, and I would be honored to have you as my friend.”

~

The next few days slide by, blending into each other. She uses her limited healing skills to help Aayla and Mace and Feral, learning as she goes and more grateful than ever for the studying she did when she could between battles in an attempt to save at least some of her men.

Oddly enough, Dooku takes to hanging around the infirmary, helping them tend to Kit and Shaak. He knows what he's doing and Feral seems happy, so she gradually stops flinching and reaching for her lightsaber ever time he moves unexpectedly.

Anakin wakes up after they’ve gotten the worst of the leech off of him, and Padmé goes into labor the same day. Their daughter is tiny and screams a lot, but she’s healthy and they seem happy about her, so Barriss is happy for them and starts crocheting a little cloak for her in her spare time. Feral watches her with interest and she starts teaching him how to crochet as well.

Obi-Wan isn’t doing as well as Saesee and Kit and even Shaak are, and they all worry about him, but finally a week after the battle Cody discovers that he’s much more badly hurt than they had suspected and he finally gets some treatment.

Barriss just sighs. She knows that theoretically it’s possible to conceal almost anything, even one’s true appearance, in the Force, but she’s never known anyone who can do it as casually and unconsciously as Obi-Wan, and for something so unhelpful as well.

Two weeks go by, and they are still alone in the Temple with the barrier up and the clones the only people allowed in. Then late one night the perimeter alarm goes off and they all scramble for their battle stations. Night and day still don’t make much difference to them after so long in space on the front lines and then under sedation, so most of them are awake already.

They know they’re being a little paranoid, that Bail Organa and the new interim Chancellor Chuchi aren’t plotting their deaths like Sidious was, but old habits and new scars are hard to ignore.

Barriss stands in an alcove, Feral at her back. He’s calm and steady; his hands are holding his sniper rifle in a deceptively loose grip. Her own heart is racing and her lightsaber hilt feels too heavy and cold in her hand.

She hasn’t ignited it since she used it to take off Sidious’ head.

She knows that Luminara and Gree are just down the way, and that Yoda and Plo are in front of the main doors, a whole battalion of clones with them. Rex is across from her, crowded into an alcove with Anakin, who is technically still considered injured but would not stay in place while someone threatened his family.

She knows that if it is a genuine threat, they will fall back and lead the invaders into a trap. Nobody is taking them by surprise this time.

There’s a knock at the doors, making them all startle. She peers out of the alcove to see Yoda and Plo exchanging looks. Feral’s chin is just above her head and she can feel his breath stirring her headdress. Anakin and Rex look to be having some kind of wrestling match as Rex tries to keep Anakin from stepping out to see what’s going on.

There’s another knock.

Plo steps forward and opens the door. The barrier snaps into existence as he quickly retreats to stand beside Yoda again.

There’s two hooded people on the doorstep.

“You’re alive! We’re so glad,” says a familiar voice, and one of the people throws back their hood. Barriss leans out a little more in surprise; it’s Master Kolar.

“We feared the worst when we saw the Temple so dark and quiet and heard that nobody had seen anything since Sidious died,” says the other person, and Barriss relaxes. It’s Master Billaba.

Yoda makes a sharp motion with one hand and the barrier around the door is lowered. “Come in, you should,” he says, and climbs up to sit on Plo’s shoulder. “Glad you are alive, we are also.”

~

Both Master Kolar and Master Billaba had been members of the Council, though they had resigned only a few months before the duel with Sidious, citing overwork and the need for balance. They seem taken aback when they are escorted into the Council chamber and find it changed from the austere room they knew.

Between the nightmares from years of battle and no longer being afraid to express affection for each other, none of them except the wounded had been able to go back to sleeping alone in their quarters yet. In the first few days, everyone had piled into the infirmary, but as it became clear that Kit and Shaak and Obi-Wan would be staying there for a while, they had moved their mattress pile into the Council room, as it was reasonably near the infirmary, could be defended easily, and had large windows they could observe the city from.

Barriss trails behind the group, absently holding hands with Feral, and they sit cross-legged on their mattresses they have set up in one corner of the room. Luminara and Gree have the mattress on her other side. There are blankets hung around them to serve as privacy screens when they sleep, but for now they are neatly tied back and open.  
Most of the Council members sit on the mattresses in the center of the room, that are less the places of individuals and more a place for anyone to sit if they want company. The seats that the Council used to use have all been shoved to one side and sit empty except for some clothes and a few packs flung over them.

Mace gives Master Billaba a hug as he comes into the room and finds her hesitating at the edge of the pile, and she squeaks most undignifiedly. Master Kolar watches with barely-disguised shock.

Most of the Council is there, except for Shaak and Kit and Obi-Wan, of course, and Barriss and Feral aren’t the only onlookers hanging around to watch them report in; Wolffe and Fox are sitting on either side of Plo, Gree and Luminara are attached at the hip as they have been since the battle, Aayla is sitting in Bly’s lap and looking quite smug about it, and Anakin is sitting to one side, flanked by Rex and Cody and Shmi. Thire is serving as a backrest for Yoda and doing paperwork, spread out over the floor around him. Jet is also doing paperwork, sitting next to Ki-Adi, who is holding some of it for him.

Cody is taking notes.

“So, what is the status of the rest of the Order?” Mace asks after they all get comfortable.

“Ah,” Master Billaba starts, and then looks around. “Is this a Council meeting?”

The actual members of the Council exchange glances and shrug.

“I guess,” Aayla says. Yoda nods, his ears flapping.

“Unfortunately, Shaak, Kit, and Obi-Wan are still in the infirmary from injuries sustained in the duel with Sidious,” Ki-Adi says. “But we are perfectly functional nonetheless.”

“Well, then,” Master Billaba says, and then looks around again. “We’re all fine. The clones who were piloting our ship dropped us off on a strange uninhabited planet that is very strong in the Force, both sides of it. There is an ancient temple there that we believe predates both J—”

“Don’t say that word,” Mace almost shouts, leaning forward to slap a hand over his former padawan’s mouth. “Please use the Mandalorian term instead, if you must. There is a – software glitch with the chips we didn’t know the clones had, and that word seems to activate it.”

They had found that out the hard way, one horrible afternoon where Yoda had said it and every trooper within hearing range had gone suddenly blank and cold in the Force and started having seizures. The slicers that were working on the chips had commed to ask what was going on, and had been bitterly disappointed to find out that their software patch hadn’t removed all the difficulties that Order 66 had brought with it. They didn’t want to have to do brain surgery on all of their brothers, but it was starting to look like that was the only option.

Billaba blinks at him before composing herself and continuing. “Jetii? and, I suppose, darjetii orders. It’s very, very old. We set up camp there and waited for the all clear from you. After a week had gone by with no news, we turned on our comms again and looked at the holonet and discovered that Darth Sidious was dead, the Temple was suspected to have been purged, and, well. We read that all of you and all of us were dead, but we knew we were still alive, and none of us had felt your deaths, so Agen and I were chosen to take the small ship they left us with and come to find out what happened.” Her eyes roam around the strangely redecorated Council room again. “So, not much happened to us; nobody has died or even taken ill, and we are safe. But what in the name of the Force happened here?”

“Sidious is dead,” Plo says. “He was Chancellor Palpatine all along.”

“Count Dooku, Darth Maul, Ventress, and Maul’s Dathomiri brothers are now our allies,” Luminara says.

“The Council has undergone a major shift in the way we view the Code,” says Aayla.

“To be the servants of the Senate, no longer, we have vowed. Of our indifference ashamed we are,” says Yoda. “Jetii we no longer feel we are.” He eyes them sharply. “Power, pain, dominance, none of us seek, yet on the Dark we have all begun to draw.”

“Because we love,” says Saesee. “It was eating away at us all this time, and we survived this only because we finally were brave enough to be wholly truthful with each other about our misconceptions.”

“We have always loved,” Master Kolar begins, but Ki-Adi, surprisingly, is shaking his head.

“We felt superior. We were detached, we didn’t care about the hundreds of injustices we saw and heard of every day. We went only where we were allowed to by the Senate. That is ridiculous. We are neutral and we owe no allegiance to any government. We need to be doing more for the people who are truly suffering, not just for the ones who can appeal through their governments.”

“Like all those kriffing Hutt slaves in the Outer Rim,” comes a grumble from Anakin. Plo nods.

“Work with the Senate we are willing to. To be their enforcers, we will not,” Yoda clarifies. “Death and sorrow to the galaxy that has brought. Hurt the Force it has.”

“Yes, the Force has been much clearer since Sidious died,” Kolar says. “And it feels like something in this Temple has changed as well. It’s much more open and . . . kinder is the only way I can think of to describe it.”

Everyone nods.

“Being a fanatic of the Light is just as dangerous as being a fanatic of the Dark,” Mace says. “Collectively, we of the Council and everyone else —" he waves his hand around the room “—have decided to try to be more neutral, drawing on both sides of the Force but neither in disproportion. Hopefully we can avoid the warping tendencies of each that way.”

Billaba and Kolar look at each other and then their shoulders slump in relief. “We weren’t sure how to bring it up,” she says. “The first few days on that planet, we were all upset and there was a lot of . . .”

“Breakdowns,” Kolar says dryly.

“Yeah, breakdowns. A lot of us said we were going to leave the Order because we couldn’t take it anymore, and we didn’t know how to tell you. But if you feel the same?”

“Oh, we’ve had our share of breakdowns as well,” Aayla says wryly. “We just had them after defeating Sidious. Look around you; we can’t stand to be apart right now. Almost all of us are in either a romantic or a familial relationship with our commanders and some of our troops. It’s against everything we were always said to be.”

Billaba and Kolar look at Plo, who by now has accumulated six more clones sitting around him, pressed up against him and just napping peacefully, and at Aayla herself and at Luminara and Anakin, and they nod.

“We can see that,” he says.

“Changed, the Order has, but stronger and better now it is,” Yoda says, banging his stick on the floor after Thire hands it to him. “Call us Sith, some might, but Grey Sith, young Obi-Wan called us, and right he is.”

Barriss breathes out when the moment passes and neither Billaba nor Kolar look repulsed or angry, just a little contemplative. She leans against Feral’s shoulder and he bumps his hand companionably against hers.

“Looks like the Order will be just fine despite Sidious,” he says quietly, and she nods.

“Now we can move on to finding Ahsoka and killing Darth Vader and ending the war once and for all,” she says.

“I’d like to come with you when you go.”

“Oh.” She blinks. “I had thought you were coming anyway. I mean, I’m sorry, that’s horribly presumptuous of me. But I’d love it if you’d come.”

“Really? Even though I’m more use with a blaster than a lightsaber?”

She snorts quietly, watching the Council get more technical about bringing the refugees back. “I don’t think it matters anymore. Anyway, I’d much more be somewhere safe picking off my enemies than having to fight them hand to hand.”

“I can give you some pointers on sniping,” Feral offers.

Barriss feels her face light up in a smile. Sometimes it feels like he is the only person who can make her smile like this, since Ahsoka was thrown out. “I can help you with your saber forms, if you want,” she offers. “In exchange.”

“I’d like that,” he says.

“It’s a deal, then,” she answers, and they clasp hands.

Somehow, during the ensuing hours of discussion and planning, neither of them lets go.

**Author's Note:**

> i tricked myself into having barriss/ahsoka/feral as a Thing. why do you do this, brain


End file.
